Mary's story begins with her childhood, which was marked by neglect, abandonment, peer rejection, covert incest, prolonged illnesses, and the death of her brother. All of these experiences left Mary with a lot of anger, anxiety, shame, and fear, as well as low self-esteem and a tremendous hunger for love. Growing up, Mary didn't understand that she had been traumatized. She just knew that something was wrong with her, and that pain and emptiness kept reappearing in her life whenever she wasn't being distracted by one of her addictions.
As an adult, Mary became accustomed to the pain and adapted to it. In its own way, it comforted her. Before she knew it, self-pity had become her best friend, and she was, for all intents and purposes, a misery addict. To keep herself wrapped in this blanket of self-pity, Mary put herself in situations that caused her and others a lot of pain. By others, she means her parents and her children.
At first, Mary was in denial about the trauma she had suffered in her family of origin and the misery she had inflicted on herself and others. She recognized that the prolonged ridicule she had suffered at school hurt her a lot, but when she thought about her family, she remembered them being very loving and supportive. Of course, Mary was in denial. Years of therapy would reveal the truth about just how dysfunctional her family was. As for her victim mentality, that was really out of reach. No one could tell Mary that she had perpetuated her own misery. That was absurd. As far as the people she had hurt, when a person feels like a victim all the time, they don't see the people they have hurt. This was certainly true for Mary.
Eventually, after her life fell apart, Mary began to face all of this, which was an important step for her. Then, when she was ready, she investigated the past by talking to her family and other people who knew her when she was growing up. As a result, the pieces of the puzzle slowly came together and a picture emerged of an unhappy, neglected child caught up in a dysfunctional environment that had been passed down from generation to generation. Next, Mary did an inventory of what she had done as an adult to perpetuate the pain of her childhood. Then she looked at what she had done to hurt others, like a wounded animal lashing out in pain. Once Mary broke through her denial and identified what had happened to her and what she had done to herself and others, she began talking about it. At some point, she also began writing about what had happened. However, Mary was still unable to feel very much at this point, so her writing was very analytical. This was her way of recognizing the pain but not feeling it.
After some time, the dam burst and all of Mary's painful feelings about the past came rushing forth. At first, she was angry. Then she was overwhelmed with sadness. For Mary, these feelings would come and go, but every time she discovered something new, or she realized how much she had been wounded in the past, she faced her feelings and had a good cry. She cried a lot.
Eventually, Mary moved on from her feelings and addressed the issue of acceptance. Acceptance was a very important part of the healing process for her. It doesn't change the basic situation, but it ends our struggle against things that can't be changed, leaving more energy to focus on the things that can be. Acceptance amounts to surrendering your pain so that you can move on. You just give it to God or some benevolent force in the universe, and in return, you get the serenity you need to heal
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